Who am I? How did I become? Of what history do I originate? …. Who am I?
This is a question so many of my friends and family ask often. We want to decipher and pick out what makes who we are.
Some say it is our memories, others say it is our ancestry; most say it is our learned mistakes and experiences. But is it really only that? If I were to combine all the ideas that have been thought and wished forwards, would that be the answer to the most thought question?????
I don’t know.
At times I do believe that it is silly for us to be asking so many questions when we have been gifted with life as it is. We are able to feel, see, hear, touch, love, care. I could go on. And yet with all that, we still feel the need to further ask why?
But then other times, it seems as though for me to fully appreciate my full happy, bubbly sense of life, I need to know my purpose, and by knowing my purpose, I need to know who I am. It is such an internal turmoil that goes on when I want it to, and when I don’t want it to. I find myself being so spiritually and emotionally in contact with my “inner and higher” self the one day, and not giving a shit the other day.
Like the other day, I was sitting at home on the couch simply absorbed by the natural beauty of the mountain: The waterfalls that followed its rocky edges and curved hills; The puffy dark clouds that slowly encompassed the top of the mountain then slid alongside its talus. While I seemed to get lost in this spectacular view, I also seemed to try and understand me, what my purpose is in and around the people and spaces I attracted. Why I was born and bred in my situation. What was I supposed to learn? Teach? Encounter? Why?
Who am I?
Then I remembered a session we did at the Project ignition camp last year. I closed my eyes, drew the question in my mind and let it drift into my subconscious… My mind thinks in images and colours, never words, but somehow words are what I am able to communicate through the burst of reds, blues, yellows and oranges. It always seems like chaos in the beginning, but after a while, it all makes perfect sense. This is what my mind conjured:
“I am here, glowing, untamed, wild, responsible, yet uncontrollable.
In love? Yes, powerfully in tune with my emotion. I am I, tearful, sad, angry and detached.
I am an energy force levitating in the hot dry desert. Drifting persistently yet unknowingly. Unaware of the path I am travelling, completely lost and abyss…yet content and always toward toward. Gazing at the horizon ahead I appreciate the noisy silence that encompasses me always.
I am circular in my shape yet blurry in your vision. I venture forth into the depths of nothing. Black hole as it may appear, I float forward- ignorant of all negativity around me, For within my protective shape I hold all that is needed to be human- the 10 worlds that control human existence.”
It makes sense sometimes, and doesn’t at other times, but atleast I had a true moment of having a glimpse of an answer. It’s something to put down on my blank page of lifeJ
Project Ignition Alumni
Architect and seeker in life